Some of the top selling labels in America contain words like: Bankers Club, Vladimir, Popov, Svedka followed by the word: vodka. You can filter it through your Brita, mix it with Kool Aid or just take shots of it at nine in the morning....no matter what, that $10 plastic bottle is full of hard-boiled rocket fuel that does things to your esophagus that a sock full of razor blades could only dream of doing.

This is the epitome of high class redneck. This is a very polarizing drink. Some may say this ruins a fantastic whiskey. Some may say it ruins a fantastic green carbonated beverage. I just say it's fucking moronic!

This drink is why we are here today. Let me explain. If a dude today uses fruity shots, Smirnoff Ice and some baybreeze's to get a lightweight girl drunk and willing to go back and fornicate with "said loser"......the Kir was the one and only way to go 100 years ago.

The Kir is just creme de cassis and white wine.

For those of you from the 80's that's called Bartles and James. For those of you from the 90's that's called Zima and a shot of Chambord. For those of you from the 00's that's called Coors Light with a roofie.

For starters, I love gin. For Seconds, tiny onions give me the creeps.

Since a Gibson is a gin martini garnished with chemically imbalanced tiny onions....I have a hard time with this cocktail. Did someone convince a large white onion to spread it's seeds to a pod of peas?

1 can pink lemonade concentrate + 1 bottle of cheap vodka + 1 12 pack of cheap beer = cheap drunk sluts. What more do you need to know? Gentlemen, if you're having a dry spell, throw a party and serve this crap. Hell, you don't even have to throw a party, just set up a lemonade stand in front of your favorite High School and have at it!!

Mimosa: champagne and orange juice. High class breakfast or trailer park dinner? It's a debate that's older than the "great taste/less filling" wars. For the mass of us not lucky enough to have such awesome names as "Puffy", "Fiddy", or "BFF Open Puss Sore Paris", we rarely indulge in fine champagne. But when the average dolt drinks a little champagne, it usually tastes like cheap perfume mixed with Splenda and Sierra Mist. Why not mix it with Florida's finest? If we can credit Snoop with the gin and juice revolution, I would like to raise a toast to all the cougars and half-assed house moms across the world who awake to a fine mimosa every day. Nothing goes better with cashmere slippers, last night's mascara and dried African-American cock sweat than a 7am mimosa.

Eggs, heavy cream, sugar, rum, bourbon and loads of nutmeg to kill the awfull taste of eggs, heavy cream, sugar, rum and bourbon. Sometimes the laddle in the eggnog bowl is your best friend during holiday family get-togethers. That punch bowl could be full of emu semen, but as long as a bottle of rum found its way into that cum fiesta...bottoms up!

Invented in Detroit....so you know it's good! This wine is a magical mixture of red wine and sparkling white wine...genius! If you're NOT a hobo, then you may know this wine from Thanksgiving dinner (if you are a hobo, you know this wine from Monday). The essential taste is that of white zinfandel and Sierra Mist. It became popular for Thanksgiving dinner because it is safe for both grandma and the 7-year-old sitting next to the cranberry jelly. Cold Duck retails for approximately $1.30 per bottle.

First made famous by medieval drunkards, then later by Chumbawamba, cider drinks have long been a staple of autumnal drinking. Cider mixes well with spiced rum, tequilla, brandy or whatever you may have in the back of the liquor cabinet. What it does NOT mix well with, are most of the fluids in your stomach. Does anyone remember that guy that said you could get high by smoking nutmeg? That's the same guy who gets drunk on cider drinks. There's a reason nobody is friends with that guy.

Rotten fruit, spices, alcohol and dirty water....and that's just the wine! Now MIX that wine with more rotten fruit, spice and ice you've dropped on the floor--- and you've got a fiesta in a bucket. This was the punch to end all puches until some clever bastard decided it was time to get grain alcohol into the fray. This is one drink that is acceptible to drink with an umbrella sticking out of the glass. If someone asks, you just say: "It's OK man....it's sangriiiiiiia." But if you're drinking it with some curly straw, then you're just a friggin' sack of dicks!